It was Monday. Afternoon. Sitting in the balcony on the lazy chair, Tamanna was reading Femina. Rang the doorbell. Nobody was there but a letter lying on the doormat. She closed the door & looked at the letter. Addressed ‘For Tamanna’. She found it unusual. A letter addressed to her? Her parents were in the same town, also her friends & few acquaintances whom she used to visit & telephone frequently & also... she had nothing to do with the world outside… as she was happy with her husband & a child… in a small family… small house… & small life….

So? Well, she started reading… And her face turned… completely yellow... With fear & anxiety… She did not want to believe it… She did not… Yet, she felt scared & angry both…

It was Amar. Amar had sent her the letter, but she never had known any one called Amar. She wondered….

Amar had written… “Dearest Tamanna, I am sorry. Sorry for you & your mother. But I have to tell you this. Have to. You are going to lose your mother soon. She is going to die of cancer. Take care of yourself. Yours, Amar”

What kind of sick joke is this Tamanna thought... My mother is a happy & healthy human being like me… Who is this bastard writing such wrought stories about her? She picked the letter which she had thrown out of anger to check for his details if he had left some… Obviously he had not...

Though she took sometime, finally Tamanna decided to forget the episode, but she couldn’t... She called her mother & asked how she was feeling… As she has crossed 50, she should get all the checkups done, Tamanna insisted... Mother, though unwillingly, said ok. Tamanna accompanied her to the hospital… And the doctor called her inside after having done with all the tests… “I have examined your mother thoroughly; it is last stage of cancer she is suffering from. Leukemia. She has only one month more... maximum. You are late. I am sorry.” He said.

It was Monday. Tamanna was sitting in the balcony. Tired. Exhausted. Gloomy. She had come home after 15 days. Mother had died. 15 days back.

Tamanna could not understand anything. Who Amar was, why had he written to her? Why did it come true? She was numb. And rang the doorbell. Mechanically, she opened the door. No body but a letter. Again? She felt extremely scared of this mysterious happening, she immediately called her husband in the office this time. Told him about it… He said, “Don’t worry… open the letter… read it… we shall see what to do with it once I come back…”

Again, it was Amar. “Dearest Tamanna, I am sorry. Sorry for you & your brother. But I have to tell you this. Have to. You are going to lose your brother soon. He is going to die of an accident. Take care of yourself. Yours, Amar”

Husband was listening to her story. Carefully. Was reassuring her to find the person called Amar by taking the help of police. He did so. But... Nobody was found. Nobody. Husband told her to forget everything. Everything about the letter & to live peacefully now, may be someone was trying to perturb their peace by such sick gestures he thought!

But… Tamanna, was anxious, restless… Calling her brother everyday. Strictly instructing him to drive carefully. Brother was puzzled. “Why are you doing this Tamannadi’?” He asked. “Because it seems we are facing bad times like never before, I am concerned, you please take care brother!” She replied.

Days passed, Tamanna was becoming sleepless. Perhaps she knew she is going to lose her brother as told by Amar. And she did. A truck dashed her brother’s car. He died. On the spot…

It was Monday. Tamanna had now become speechless. Everybody around... & also, her husband worried. Yet, the life in the town had to go on. Nobody home. Tamanna alone. Rang the doorbell. Tamanna felt as if heart was throbbing countless faster than ever before... She could not walk properly. Yet, some how, she opened the door… Nobody outside...

Again, it was Amar. “Dearest Tamanna, I am sorry. Sorry for you & your fastest friend. But I have to tell you this. Have to. You are going to lose your friend soon. She is going to commit suicide. Take care of yourself. Yours, Amar”

Before she could come back to her senses, rang the telephone. It was her friend, but not the fastest. Friend told her…

In the evening Tamanna did not open the door. Husband rang the bell again & again. Finally called for neighbor’s help… Broke the door... & entered. Tamanna was lying on the floor… Unconscious… Yet in that state too… She had known that she had lost her fastest friend. Forever.

When came back to senses, Tamanna was not the same. She was a different person. Now she knew. Amar will come. On Monday.

In fact, Tamanna had started waiting for Monday now. Every Monday. In the afternoon, she did receive a letter. Sent to her by Amar. “Dearest Tamanna…. “

Tamanna wondered how accustomed she had become now to lose her dear ones, friends, family & acquaintances. One by one? All the happiness she had gathered during all the early years of life, was wiped out so easily by that mysterious force called Amar?

Amar… Or a messenger of Death actually? Who had actually taught her to deal with the uncertainty of life & death…? She had grown up. A lot. She had learned to live with the Loss!

In fact, she had started waiting for Monday now. Waiting for Amar, always thinking... “When will Amar give a Death Call to me? When will come my number?" Oh yes! Tamanna had started enjoying the pain & torture now… She was desperately waiting… for the Death Call!

It was Monday. Afternoon. Tamanna was looking at the door so impatiently. Wanted the doorbell to ring now. It was 3 pm. She waited… & waited… 4… 5… 6… 7… pm… Happened nothing…

No! This can’t be, this is not possible… he can’t do this to me… he has to come, come to me… he has to some day make me too a victim…. She became extremely furious & rowdy now!

“Where are you Amar? How dare you do this to me? What do you think of yourself? You have become a part of me now. How can you abandon me suddenly like this? I can’t imagine you going away from me… Come... Amar… Come at least come to kill me…Come to me…Amar… You are within me… then why leave me?”

Tears started rolling on her face… Tamanna felt helpless. Like never before.

Amar did Not come…

And suddenly… Tamanna realized, Oh Amar! You have victimized me. Finally. My turn has come today. I am longing for the death & you have taken away my right to die & even to live... You have taken away my soul... My sadist soul… Which is no more able to derive any pleasure…!?!

Tamanna rushed to the balcony… Felt like to jump but couldn’t… She did not have the courage… & she felt… She had not remained human…

Tamanna recalled, as a child… she used to kill flying… living butterflies…. & pin their dead & yet beautiful wings in her Craft-book… She used to feel happy. Very happy!

Tamanna uttered, “I am a butterfly… I am a butterfly…!!”

(Based on Madhu Ray’s Gujrati short story – “Hun Patangiyun Chhun!” Dedicated to Madhu Ray, who shaped my sensitivity as a human being in my formative years…)